i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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