i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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