So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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