When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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