At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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