he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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