I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
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