Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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