why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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