Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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