i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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