grandma shit on top of the toilet
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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