I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
