He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
even my farts smell like vagina
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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