Me too!
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
