You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
