break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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