false alarm. still invincible.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
