TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
