omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
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