Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize