: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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