Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
