Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
