was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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