the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
