Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
