i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
