we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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