I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
