So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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