I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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