i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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