Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
