How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
