I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
