i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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