She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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