yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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