my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
