Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
