You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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