I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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