Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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