so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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