I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
