im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I can't put those talents on a resume
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
