My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He's a Shit stain on my heart
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
