Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I yelled at your uterus for you.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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