What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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