woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
