I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Randomize
