So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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