my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize