Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
