What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
