yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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