whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
