Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize