I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
