I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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