He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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