that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
